Screwtape Letters, 2013 Letter Four

Dear Wormwood,

It appears as though Halloween has come early for you. Skid-mark from the American consulate informs me that news of your failure has in no significant way made it to his part of the world. TIME led with a piece on suburban wildlife. NEWSWEEK was on about yoga for the corpulent female terrestrials. I had lunch with Ted and Rupert and they assured me they were under no pressure to propagate the story, so we needn’t concern ourselves with the networks. FORBES produced a damaging online op-ed, but not to worry, we already have a firm hold on the FORBES crowd. It appears as though you have been saved again by the pursuit of trivia, nephew. And they say, “Don’t sweat the small things”.

What can we learn from this? Please note that when I say “we” I mean “you”, Nephew. You can learn to put very much of your effort or “sweat” as the axiom goes, into the smallest of things. We must be ever on the ready to help the Ukrainians keep things in their proper perspective. All these noble thoughts of freeing the country of our influence make the humans passionate. Passions in their nascent form are grotesque to be certain. But never overlook the beautiful potential of a passion properly guided, indulged and best of all, over-indulged. Also never forget, this brand of passion becomes almost indiscernible from patriotism. You’ve seen how simple it is for us to help our patients overlook the Enemy’s principal commandments when we have them in a state of patriotism. It’s practically boring.

You know Wormwood, I took the liberty of visiting the square this weekend. You will be elated to know that opportunities abound for us, even as our foes exult. The Maidan protest affords us throngs of humanity confined in close proximity. That type of environment is always well-suited to our purposes. While watching one of your stooges busting up the offices, I appealed in short order to one man on the simple suggestion that breaking glass was a ‘tough’ thing to do. Remember, it’s almost always matter-over-mind with the bipeds. Then, with minimal effort I convinced a babushka that the glass breakers were Russians. In actuality, I merely cast the thought, “Russians” into her pea-brain and she started going off on the vandals as well as anyone else who tried to reason with her. “Russians”. Can you imagine anything so simple? For all of Poo-stains deft maneuverings, it’s not as though a person living to the east of the border is any better suited for our purposes than one from the west.

The dank stench of opportunity is in the Ukrainian air Wormwood. Seize the night.

Your affectionate Uncle, 

Screwtape Letters, 2013 - Letter Three

Dear Wormwood,

I can scarcely fathom that we share DNA Nephew. I told you your victory would be short-lived, didn’t I? Didn’t I also predict the abject failure of your New Year’s tree as a diversion? It worked so well that over a million of the enemy’s pawns have now engulfed your capital city. I have, as the terrestrials are fond of saying, good news and bad, Nephew. The... good news is that Poo-stain’s tanks which I had the prescience to deploy on your behalf should have things under control again soon. The idea is to send some of our friendlies out among them to create havoc. We shall blame it on the enemy and use it to justify the actions which should have been undertaken the first time. And yes, the plan is for him to do his deed in the dead of night. Such a glorious time that.

Now for the bad news. Your inchoate planning has cost us dearly again Nephew. Surely you noticed that these demonstrators, mostly students are not brandishing weapons nor engaging in the sort of wonton violence we have always been able to depend on from our cohorts overseeing the American interests. As you well know, we merely have to place 100 or so of them in a relatively tight space and simply put a suggestion in their minds that others see things wrongly. Whether the aspersion we cast is one that suggests a baby killer, a Muslim or a Dodgers fan might be among their ranks, things quickly take a turn for the better. There will be no such luck with the Ukrainians nephew. Such a despicably peaceful bunch. To make things more diabolical, news organizations in the important countries are starting to publicize their case.

I understand you are hiding at the moment. Be careful Nephew. That type of cowardice is not yet seen by the terrestrials as a thing of beauty. Keep your head and regain control or I shall have to make a formal motion that we turn your territory over to Poo-stain.

Your affectionate Uncle,

Screwtape Letters, 2013 - Letter Two

 

Dear Wormwood,

One might infer from the tone of your recent social media posts that you had actually accomplished something diabolically profound when you dispersed the goody two shoes protesting in the square. You frequently reference “the cover of night” as if it was a concept of your own device. “Cover of night” or “The Darkness”, as it is more frequently called on lo...w, is a concept as old as our father himself. Have you forgotten that our side’s greatest victory came in the night? Even the most insignificant of the enemy’s forces knows that Nephew. What do they teach you minions at primary school these days?

I hope you were able to bask shamefully in the glow of the darkness you created for yourself Wormwood. Bask now, for I fear the light may be upon you soon enough. No, I am not referencing the ridiculous camera oversight from my prior letter when I say this. The light to which I refer, is certain to come soon upon the heels of your vacuous comment about the people in your area turning their attention to “erecting a New Year’s tree”. Don’t misunderstand my criticism Wormwood. It’s not that diversionary tactics are of no use to us. On the contrary, they are indispensable to us in ensuring that we lead the mortals to lower ground. But we must use some imagination, dear boy. “New Year’s tree”? Did you really believe that even terrestrials would be distracted by that? I expected you would employ bombing tactics as you did before the football tournament. You remember: bomb something and blame the protesters. That was a little thin, but at least it was veiled and served to take that horrid light away from the lady with the Princess Leah-hair. This tree thing – I’m afraid you have underestimated the creatures again, despicably unintelligent as they are.

I saw you were quite pleased that Poo-stain’s commanding officer commended your mindless efforts. I would not be too impressed by that Wormwood. He is as shortsighted as he is simple. I should know, I went through basic training with him. Soon enough Poo-stain will overtake and consume him, then what will his commendation have meant? Oh, and speaking of Poo-stain, I passed him in the sewers about an hour ago. He assures me that his minions will be near Kyiv again with their tanks. You may remember how he was there to support us some years ago after you nearly cost us everything with that ridiculous poisoning scheme. Grow up Nephew.

Your affectionate Uncle,

Screwtape Letters 2013

Screwtape Letters, 2013 - Letter One

Dear Wormwood,

I’m afraid you will find the tone and tenor of this letter to be most discouraging indeed. You have misunderstood my warnings in prior correspondences in the most egregious possible way Wormwood. Did you suppose that your heavy-handed tactics of crowd control would go unnoticed in the age of ubiquitous media? Was I not clear enough to you in my directives ...to be sure that your minions played nice for the cameras? My nephew, I sometimes forget how simple you are. When we say “cameras” in this current age, we do not only refer to bulky dual-reeled mechanisms which rest uncomfortably on the shoulders of burly cameramen or on sturdy tripods. When we speak of people with cameras in the age of the post-moderns, nephew, we speak of anyone with a smart phone. Did it really escape your attention that in beating the enemy’s unarmed, peaceful protesters before cameras you might draw the ire of the terrestrial do-gooders? Did you honestly suppose your gorillas could confiscate every camera that showed them demonstrating the tactics of our father below to the world before the fullness of its time? Have you no concept of Instagram?

My nephew, you tasty little morsel, let me try once more to enlighten. Our kingdom is not yet recognized as The Way by everyone. We are making great strides, no doubt, even with the EU, but we have not yet arrived. Such plans take patience dear nephew and subtlety. I fear you have not properly grasped these concepts. It occurs to me that in your primary studies you have become too impulsive! Impulsiveness is a virtue, don’t get me wrong. It is perhaps the greatest virtue. But we have to use the enemy’s “virtues” against them in This Present Lightness. How else, after all, will we enact our kingdom on earth?

I worry about you my delicious nephew. I worry that you are incapable of executing such pantomimes as patience and subtlety. If, as I suspect you are not competent to use the enemy’s strengths against him you may lose your battle and worse, your ineptitudes might prove costly to our father’s efforts to win the great battle. That would be disastrous for you Wormwood. Although I would be momentarily delighted to consume you, it would prove little comfort to me later when I stand before my superiors on a much lower level to answer for your ineffectiveness.

I have other worms to can, Nephew, but I leave you with this. There is still time to right the ship. While I can’t say I am confident you will do so, I have hope. What else do we have really? In truth, I would much rather have been given charge of Poo-stain than you, Wormwood. He is very capable and shows great promise. You, on the other hand, well, let’s not go into that at this time. And you are after all, my sister’s only son.

 Your affectionate Uncle,